Stealth of the Ninja
by Strawberriedanish
Summary: Drabbles about Artemis Fowl as a ninja. Must I say any more? Extreme funniness.
1. Introduction

Introduction

For hundreds of years…

ninjas have been the masters of stealth.

Powerful assassins, they killed without warning…

leaving no trace they were ever there.

Truly, they are the ultimate fighting force.

These are the ninjas…

but not Artemis Fowl.

He's a different story…


	2. Special Ninja Delivery

"I want to be a ninja!" Artemis ran into the living room of Fowl Manor, coming to a stop in front of the couch currently occupied by Butler.

Butler looked up from his copy of Guns and Ammo. "Seriously, Artemis?"

"Dead serious. I want to start training right away. In fact, I already ordered the equipment several days ago. Rush delivery. It should be here any minute."

The doorbell rang. "Here it is!" Artemis shouted. He sprinted off towards the main entrance, Butler tailing behind. He'd never seen Artemis so excited about something like this in his entire life.

As Butler strolled into the main entranceway, Artemis had already retrieved the package; a large box covered in transparent tape, and was ripping it open. He began to pull out various knives. Artemis looked up at Butler. "They only delivered the knives today. I think the rest will arrive promptly by tomorrow though."

"That huge box for just knives?" Butler scratched the back of his head. "How much did you order? I think you may be rushing into this."

Artemis turned back to the box. "Nonsense. I've given great thought to this. The path of the ninja is the path for me."

Butler paid more attention to the knives Artemis was unpacking. _Hmm…just regular knives. Wait…What the? What's he pulling out now? _

Artemis had brought out a round ball-type object. Butler's eyes widened as he noticed the fuse attached on one end. And Artemis was lighting it!

"I'm not exactly sure what this thing does, Butler. But, I'm going to find out aren't I?" he said, simultaneously lighting the fuse.

"Artemis don't! That's a-"Butler screamed as he rushed towards his charge. But it was too late. The fuse was lit.

Artemis reeled in shock as the bomb exploded in his face, smoke spilling out from the bomb and spreading throughout the manor. Nothing was visible through the white cloud.

"-smoke bomb! A smoke bomb Artemis!" Butler finished his sentence. He waved his arms through the smoke, searching fruitlessly for the boy.

"Oh."


	3. Cake Batter Battle

Juliet was baking in the kitchen today. She was mixing cake batter in a large bowl when she heard a noise. Footsteps.

Juliet saw Artemis out of the corner of her eye. Oh. My. God. What is he wearing…?

Artemis was leaning against the kitchen door. He held several throwing stars, aiming them directly at Juliet. But that's not what she was worried about. She was worried about the fact that Artemis was completely garbed in a ninja costume. His body was covered in black cloth, save for a slit on his face, revealing his narrowed blue eyes.

Juliet sighed. She didn't know whether to laugh or yell at him for disrupting her baking. "Please…Artemis. Take that ridiculas costume off."

Artemis angrily yelled at her in frustration. "You are the fourth person to say that to me today! It is not a costume! It is my stealth suit! Stealth suit you impudent fool!"

He swung five throwing stars at Juliet. She ducked, and the stars sailed over her head, crashing into the cake batter bowl. The impact sent to bowl flying…right onto Juliet's bent head. Cake batter splattered everywhere.

It was time to leave. Artemis sprinted quickly out of the room. But not quickly enough to avoid being knocked in the head with the wooden mixing spoon.

His eardrums blew out as he heard Juliet's shrill cries of agony.

"Arteeeemissss!! I'mmmm gooooiiinngg tooo kiiiillll yoooouuuu!!!!


	4. How to blend in with a wall

Mr. Fowl was taking a stroll through the manor. He calmly walked down the bland hallway. They really should hang some paintings here. The hall would look so much brighter.

Wait. Mr. Fowl backtracked several steps. "Artemis…I can see you…"

"What! I tried so hard to blend in with this wall. How did you possibly know!?" Artemis stepped away from the wall, throwing his bed sheet to the ground. He had worked on the technique all night, learning to stifle all his movement, making sure there were no wrinkles in the sheet as he stood next to the wall.

" Hmm…it could be the fact the actual wall is blue…and…your bed sheet is dark red…"

"Argh! How did I not realize this!?"


	5. Attacking the Butler is very painful

Butler was sitting quietly on the couch, pouring through his latest copy of Bodyguard's Digest. There was a rustle of movement and a rush of air several feet away from him.

Artemis suddenly rushed into room. He jumped over the armrest of the sofa, swinging a sharp sword in the direction of Butler, giving off a sharp cry.

"Hi-ya!"

Butler sighed. He lazily reached out an arm, not even bothering to look up from his magazine. His fist connected soundly with Artemis's chest, knocking him backwards away from the sofa. Artemis collided painfully with the carpeted floor.

"To slow."

"Dammit!"


	6. Artemis needs some aim

Training was outside today. And for some reason, Butler had agreed to help.

It was simple. A row of straw targets. Run in a straight line and hit the targets with kunai knives as you run. Artemis could do it. Sort of.

"Ready Artemis?" Butler was standing off to the side of his young charge, holding a stop watch, his finger on the start button.

"Ready." Artemis was in his black ninja garb, bent low with one hand on the pouch that held his kunai knives.

"GO!"

Artemis was off, running across the ground while throwing knives left and right. He couldn't tell if he'd hit any or not.

Artemis slowed to a stop, looking back at Butler. "How many did I hit?"

"Zero. But you did manage to hit me, several ducks in the pond, and Mrs. Fowl as she was coming out to get the morning paper."

Artemis glanced over at the driveway. Mrs. Fowl was bent in the fetal position on the asphalt, newspaper raised defensively over her head. A kunai knife was embedded in the paper.

"Uh…sorry…Mother…"


	7. The Art of Meditation

Artemis sighed as the steaming hot water pounded against his back. It felt wonderful to meditate like this. He should have thought of doing it sooner.

"Artemis!"

Juliet ripped the shower curtain aside, exposing Artemis sitting in the tub, the hot shower water pouting down his back, in his swim trunks. Artemis calmly glanced up at her.

"Yes?" he asked her coolly.

Juliet glared at him. "What is this?! What are you doing?!"

Artemis ran a hand through his sopping hair. "I'm just copying what ninjas do on TV. You know, how they meditate under waterfalls."

"Our shower isn't a waterfall."

"Ninjas must improvise to successfully reach their full ninjadom."

"Just get out of the tub. You're wasting all our hot water." Juliet pulled him roughly out by the arm and pushed him into the hallway.

"You can't kick me out! I'm not done with my meditation yet!" Artemis pounded on the door.

Butler raised an eyebrow as he passed by Artemis, sopping wet and in his swim trunks, banging on the door of the bathroom. Artemis caught Butler by the sleeve, stopping him. The genius smiled.

"Butler…"

888888888

"Artemis, I really feel stupid doing this. Can we go back inside now?"

Butler tilted the garden hose over Artemis' head. Somehow the teen had convinced the bodyguard to come outside to the yard and spray water from a hose on top of Artemis' head.

"No Butler. Not until I have finished my meditation exercises."

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in almost forever. Midterms are coming up and I need to spend more time studying. Review Please. :)**


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